In Female Sports – How To Confront Without Conflict
fciwomenswrestling.com article, femcompetitor, grapplingstars.com photo
Enthralling moments, intense endings and having fans on the edge of their seats describes the best rivalries in the world of female sports.
One such rivalry that comes to mind is that of Chris Evert vs Martina Navratilova.
As Bleacher Report summarizes, “This was the Federer-Nadal of women’s tennis. These two met an astounding 80 times in their careers, and their rivalry lasted a full 15 years. They are both tied for fourth with 18 Grand Slam singles titles each.”
The most fascinating aspect of it, at least to this fan, is that it was a formidable rivalry virtually without any conflict or confrontations.
Not easy to do.
From school to the work and business environment, friendships and marital relationships, sometimes it is really important to confront someone in the circle about important issues.
Most of us prefer not to.
An article in the April 2014 issue of Psychology Today describes the situation well. “We cannot avoid conflict: it’s just a natural component of our human condition, but what is in our power, is to decide to experience it as an opportunity for growth and for change.”
So how can we confront without offending and initiating conflict?
The group at influencingoptions.com has a suggestion about our mindset when we do. “Confronting is about resolving issues: respectfully, quickly and directly—and will differentiate you and enhance your development, regardless of your role or scope of authority. No need to square off to do battle, our models are conflict-free, simple and very effective.”
Others suggest that when you confront, always explain to the other party what is in it for them? How is it in their best interest to at least reflect upon a resolution?
You might think that the female submission wrestling world would be filled with conflict.
Not so.
Our female grappling industry is filled with engagement without conflict and one of the keys that we found as producers is to clearly explain the ground rules before the match starts and allow each party to express what they are and are not comfortable with.
For further suggestions we have a visiting female writer with some brilliant ideas.
How to Confront Without Conflict
Most people are reluctant to address problems they are having with an employee, co-worker or even their boss. Yet, pretending everything is fine certainly won’t improve the situation. Here is just one example of why this isn’t in the best interest of the employee or yourself.
Just today, I spoke with a client who was describing an employee who wasn’t quite working out like he had hoped. He shared with me how this employee was refusing to take on projects that were well within the scope of her job description and how unpleasant she was making life for everyone. Yet, instead of confronting this employee, he is going to wait for her to find another position within the company so he can be rid of her.
I suggested a different approach. Why not simply tell this employee that she has gone as far as she is going to go in his workgroup and that it is time for her to move on? This is certainly in her best interest as well as his, and more than likely will take less time than waiting for her to bid adieu. He thought my idea was brilliant!
Whenever we think about conflict, we tend to think of it in a negative connotation. Yet conflict can be good. Here’s why. Conflict fuels innovation. It helps take good ideas and make them great. Here is an example of what I mean by this. Have you ever noticed that the best ideas seem to come from other ideas? Think about what would happen if everyone went along with whatever was suggested and stopped there? Do you think such innovative products like smart phones would exist if no one in the room challenged the idea that a phone could be used for more than just making and receiving calls? You can close your eyes and imagine the sparks flying in the room as each participant defended his position.
I got to experience this first hand in the early days of mobile phones when I worked closely with an executive at NYNEX, which is now owned by Verizon. I could see this executive’s counterparts didn’t quite know what to make of her. She was bold and forward thinking, uncommon in companies like that back in the early nineties. She had a way of confronting the naysayers, and turning them into her advocates. I noticed that when she was in situations that appeared to be contentious, she would win the other people over by telling them what was in it for them. Worked like a charm.
The executive that I spoke with today could have learned a lot from this woman. He knows his problem employee is very interested in being promoted. He also knows this certainly isn’t going to happen on his dime. He needs to be honest with her and let her know that she has gone as far as she is going to go within his workgroup. Most likely this conversation will not come as a shock to this employee. In fact, more than likely she will be relieved, as deep down inside she knows this as well.
This is a conversation that may feel uncomfortable to him, but in the end if he plays his cards right, she’ll walk out the door thanking him for giving her permission to seek a workplace where she will be an asset. And he will be a much stronger manager as a result of this experience. Now that’s what I call a win-win situation.
Roberta Chinsky Matuson is the President of Human Resource Solutions (http://www.yourhrexperts.com ) and author of the highly acclaimed book Suddenly in Charge: Managing Up, Managing Down, Succeeding All Around (Nicholas Brealey, January 2011). Sign up to receive a complimentary subscription to Roberta’s monthly newsletter, HR Matters at http://visitor.r20.constantcontact.com/d.jsp?llr=t8uxwmeab&p=oi&m=1104233091955.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Roberta Chinsky Matuson is the President of Human Resource Solutions and author of the international best seller, Suddenly in Charge: Managing Up, Managing Down, Succeeding All Around (Nicholas Brealey, January 2011), and a Washington Post Top 5 Book for Leaders. Sign up to receive a complimentary subscription to Roberta’s monthly newsletter, HR Matters.
